I have the worst case of wanderlust.
Hello, by the way.
It’s been my experience after the death of someone close to me that life seems to change and remain stagnant at the same time. So much is different about me now. And absolutely nothing has changed enough for my liking.
My father being dead seems to be the biggest change of all. Not much I can do about that, but good lord I’d give anything for this realization to not punch me in the throat when I least expect it. And I don’t know my triggers beyond the obvious: note to self, do not get into discussions about death, and aggressive cancer stealing the lives of the people we love. Thanks, management.
My hair has gotten longer. I’ve gained weight. I’m going to my first Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter concert in July.
My battle with depression is still a work in progress and that makes me… relieved, in a way. Of course, my mental health problems were not buried with my father six months ago. Of course not. It still feels like I’m sitting in this dark room, so black I can’t see the hand in front of my face. And so much effort has to be made to fight against that darkness for just tiniest sliver of light to slip through. It’s the effort that’s exhausting, not the dark, and it cannot be cured by magic nor prayed away by any god. I only have to live with it, manage it with medication and coping mechanisms.
Current mental health check: it’s a grey day so I’m calling it a win.
Now back to my urges, my need to escape. Changes. Wanderlust.
I want to leave for an unspecified amount of time and drop in on the places I’ve always wanted to visit, have those experiences that leave me stumbling and inadequate with envy when I hear someone else has had the privilege.
I want to see an aurora borealis in person, and visit the Maldives and Bora Bora. I want to traverse the Parisian countryside and fuck it out with the love of my life. I want to live my life as if it’s fiction on screen. I want to live.
I also want to write, and since the other items on my list take a bit of planning, here I am. I’m hoping it sticks this time.